


this isn't just for you to carry

by penink



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Cat lying is talked about, Gen, I have so many feelings about how this show portrays male victims of sexual assault, Mexico is talked about, Reid has been through so much and Morgan would want to help him, and I am Tired of it, but how about the fact that Reid has been groped multiple times while being threatened, nonexistent or nonconsentual, not gonna lie I am pretty neutral about Max, ok but Spencer Reid's physical relationships have two settings, she was just a convenient way to get them talking, some good and some bad, that is so messed up, the fandom and the show treat Spencer Reid like a piece of meat, the showrunners are cowards who didn't let the boys talk about their trauma enough, there is non-graphic discussion of sexual assault in this, this is a bit messy but the point is they're TALKING about things ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:35:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25565248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penink/pseuds/penink
Summary: Reid can't ignore the damage done to his sense of self anymore.  Morgan understands better than most.  Consent, anger, and denial are just some of the issues on the table.
Relationships: Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid
Comments: 9
Kudos: 99





	this isn't just for you to carry

“Morgan,” Reid stared in surprise at the old friend now standing on his doorstep. “What’re you doing here?”

“Well, a little someone told me she was going to get into my computer and hold pictures of Hank hostage until I got over here, so,” Morgan said, glancing around Reid’s messy apartment. 

“Garcia,” Reid muttered. He stepped back, nodding Morgan into his place. “And why did she send you over here?” 

Morgan’s confidence seemed to waver for a moment, an unusual thing for him. “You dumped Max.” 

Reid sighed, leaning against his front door. “Garcia told you that, did she?” 

Morgan smirked, “did you expect anything less?” 

“I told Max I wasn’t sure what I wanted yet. And that it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to wait around while I figured that out,” Reid said pointedly. 

“And Garcia told me, ‘that’s the same thing as breaking up for no good reason’,” Morgan settled in on Reid’s couch, pushing a stack of books out of the way. 

“Okay. So Garcia sent you over here because I ‘dumped Max’?” Reid folded his arms over his chest, staring at his friend like a disapproving parent. “You seem to be planning on talking to me about something more than that. Why are you really here?” 

Morgan was never one to skirt around a problem, especially the problem of a friend. “What exactly is it you need to figure out, Reid?” 

“Just… things, okay?” Reid, rather than look Morgan in the eye, went to the window, staring at the street below without really seeing it. “I don’t need you guys babysitting me through every relationship.” 

“We’re not trying to babysit you. We’re _worried_ about you. There’s a difference.” 

“Is there?” Reid said dryly. 

“Drop the attitude, man. I’m not here to treat you like a child. You’re an adult and you can make you’re own choices, but I am still allowed to try and help you.” 

“If you really are treating me like an adult, if you really want to _help_ me, why don’t you get to the point?” Reid faced him, holding back even more snark because at least Morgan wasn’t pretending he was some awkward kid who had no understanding of mature relationships. He’d dealt with enough of that. 

Morgan stared at him, those intense eyebrows furrowed and something behind his eyes that left Reid feeling a bit too exposed. “Do you want to know why I think you broke up with her?” 

“Not really, but since you’re here, might as well.” 

“Your track record with intimate relationships is, to put it lightly, kind of fucked,” Morgan decided to be blunt. 

“That’s not news to me, Morgan. Maeve dying in front of me sort of stunted my emotional development in the romance department, sure, but I’ve learned to cope with that. I loved, I _love_ Maeve, but I know I can move on,” Reid continued to deflect. 

“I don’t mean Maeve, Reid,” Morgan said. “I mean, I _do_ , but I wasn’t specifically talking about romantic relationships. I was talking about _intimacy._ ” 

Reid’s frown deepened. “Meaning?” 

Morgan had found himself naturally matching Reid’s hostility with a bit of aloofness himself, but Reid was caught off guard by how open and almost _sad_ Morgan’s gaze became. 

“You’ve got the short end of the stick a lot when it comes to…” Morgan hesitated again. Reid couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Derek Morgan so unsure. “When it comes to consent and… and healthy relationships being associated with physical intimacy. _Any_ relationships being associated with physical intimacy.” 

“ _Physical intimacy?_ What’re you talking about?” Reid seemed to bristle at the implication. Morgan had done his best to ease into the subject, but he had anticipated Reid growing defensive the moment this conversation had turned towards this particular direction. Reid paced the length of his apartment, resolutely refusing to look Morgan head on. “That’s- That’s none of your business-” 

“Reid, hey, come on man,” Morgan stood, getting in front of Reid and trying to get him to pause. “You’ve got to know why I’m here-” 

“Actually, I don’t know,” Reid snapped. “I- I don’t know what you _think_ I need to hear, but you-” Reid, always a wave of words and constant certainty, could not think of a single fact or statistic to wriggle himself out of this conversation. He stopped. A weighted sigh. “Look, you’re my friend and I trust you with just about anything, but I don’t want to have this conversation with you.” 

“Fine. Then who are you going to have it with?” Morgan, however gently, still needed to push Reid towards the goal of this whole exchange. 

Reid had gone from irritated and irate to terribly soft and uncertain. “I don’t see why I need to…” 

“You broke up with Max. There’s a _reason_ for that, Reid,” Morgan put his hands on Reid’s shoulders, trying to steady him. “Maybe you just didn’t like her that much, that’s fine, but there’s more to it than that.” Silence. Morgan waiting for Reid to explain, Reid committed to silence. “You know I understand why this is hard. Better than most.” 

Reid, more genuinely confused than defensive, finally looked up at him. “Wait- You don’t think- Whatever you think my issue is, Morgan, how can you compare it to what you went through as a kid? You were sexually assaulted as a _child_ , that is an absurd comparison-” Reid turned away, his walls returning as Morgan got closer to the point. 

“I am done playing around with you, kid,” Morgan needed to toughen up and get straight to the point. “I could make a list of all the reasons you should have issues- the only crush you ever told me about from high school ended with you getting humiliated and assaulted. The woman who murdered Maeve felt you up. She had a gun on you and she touched you and kissed you. Your first real girlfriend never even got to kiss you and that sick murderer exploited you before killing her. And that is just a footnote compared to what Cat Adams did to you.” 

Reid had gone unbelievably pale the longer Morgan spoke. “Get out.” 

“Reid-” 

“I said get out, Morgan,” Reid opened his front door sharply, staring Morgan down with incredible willpower considering he looked like he had just been slapped across the face. 

Morgan moved towards the door at a slow pace. He was debating whether staying would only push Reid further away from him, or if staying was the only way to push through enough to get Reid to talk about things. “Reid, when I said I understood, I meant it. What Cat Adams did-” 

“She didn’t rape me!” Reid almost shouted at him. “Or- Or her little sidekick Vaughn- they didn’t rape me.” He said it in such a way that it was clear he was still trying to convince himself. 

“Okay,” Morgan remained calm. He wasn’t trying to talk down an unsub or deal with an unstable witness, Reid was his friend, but he wasn’t okay. “I know that. She lied about that, but you still spent months and months thinking that she had. She still had Vaughn drug you.” Reid’s knuckles turned white as he held onto the doorknob so tightly it hurt. “She still groped you and manipulated you and tried to kill your mother. She tried to ruin your relationship with Max and strung you along and forced you to play her games.” Reid felt like the air had been pulled from his lungs. He didn’t know how to get away from this. “That leaves a mark. Even if it wasn’t rape. Even if you don’t want it to.” 

A pause. Reid no longer ushering Morgan out the door but far from open to talk about this. “It… it wasn’t like that. You… you make it sound worse than it actually was.” 

“You’re not acting like it. This hurt you, man. You’re allowed to be angry, Reid. Even if it doesn’t feel like you’re… entitled to that type of victimhood, you still deserve to process the damage that did to you,” Morgan hated how upset he was making his friend, but he felt like they were making some form of progress, no matter how painfully slow it was. 

“Okay. What do you suggest then?” Reid shut his front door, collapsing on the couch in resignation. This conversation was happening, whether he wanted it to or not. Morgan would have left if he had really wanted him to, but the fact of it was Reid needed to talk to _someone_ , no matter how much he didn’t want to. “What are you trying to do here, Morgan?” 

Morgan sat beside him. “I don’t really know, but… I need you to understand that you deserve better. You deserve someone who will listen when you say no and who wants you to be happy. And… so far you haven’t really had any good examples of that. If I’m being honest, it worries me how blasé you are about all of this. I need to make sure you know what a good relationship looks like. And this isn’t me treating you like a child,” he added as he saw Reid grow defensive once more. “It took me years into my twenties to figure out what a healthy relationship looked like after what happened to me. And I wish I’d had someone who could’ve offered some guidance. That’s all I’m here for, Reid. I just want to make sure you don’t end up brushing something like this under the rug again.” 

“I- I wasn’t trying to ignore this, I really wasn’t. I know from experience that ignoring my problems ends with…” Reid seemed to debate something in his head for a moment. “A lot of anger, at one point addiction, at times both. I didn’t want that to happen again.” 

“But it still did,” Morgan paused. Reid, sensing he wanted to say more, held his silence while Morgan thought it over. “You don’t still blame yourself for what happened with Cat Adams, do you?” 

“What makes you think I blame myself?” Reid frowned. 

“Maybe not for everything, but she goaded you and you reacted violently, right?” Morgan tried to figure out how exactly to explain. “I’m not saying that was _right_ or anything, but she just told you she had her friend rape you and that she was going to kill your mother. I think shoving her into a wall is a reasonable response.” 

Reid seemed to grow more resentful at this. “Garcia told you a lot.” 

“She told me _some_ ,” Morgan said pointedly. “...And JJ told me some more.” 

“What, you guys just stand around and talk about me?” Reid said. 

“Reid, no,” Morgan sighed. “Well, Garcia maybe, but it’s Garcia, you know not to take that personally. JJ was worried about you, I think. And, well, she was furious too. That that happened to you.” 

“Well they clearly didn’t tell you enough,” Reid huffed. 

“Okay,” Morgan waited for him to continue. He didn’t. “You wanna maybe explain that for me?” 

“I don’t know how to.” 

“Really? You’re telling me _the_ Doctor Spencer Reid can’t explain something?” Morgan feigned shock, feeling oddly warmed by Reid half laughing at that. 

“Fine…” Reid took another pause to think. “So, I’m not angry in the way you all seem to think. I don’t blame myself for what Cat did…” Another pause. “Maybe I do, I don’t know. She never would have hurt my mother or Max’s family if it weren’t for me. But I know that’s illogical.” 

“So what _is_ making you angry?” 

Another moment of quiet. Morgan staring at his friend with such intent worry just as Reid continued to stare at his cluttered coffee table without really seeing it. “I’ve changed. Because of what happened to me.” 

“That makes sense, Reid. That you feel that way. But… I have to disagree,” Morgan said. Reid stared at him, surprised and maybe a little offended. “Not in the way you think. I mean… the bad things that happened to you don’t take away who you are. They’re… they’re a bad addition. It didn’t take anything from you, despite what it may feel like, but it did add something dark that’s still following you.” 

“Maybe you’re right. But I’m not talking about the bad stuff that happened _to_ me, Morgan. I’m talking about the bad stuff I _did._ ” 

“What do you mean?” Morgan understood that he didn’t know everything, but this was not the direction he had expected things to take. 

Reid finally looked Morgan in the eye and Morgan found something terribly harsh and unforgiving behind those soft brown eyes. “Cat Adams hurt me, but she didn’t turn turn me into a violent person, I did that to myself.” 

“You’re not a violent person-” 

“You’re right,” Reid cut him off sharply. “I’m _not._ I am not the kind of person who- who _plans_ to hurt people, even in prison. I’m not the kind of person who can’t focus when my friends need me and- and deal with that by throwing things and getting so angry I can barely breathe. I _never_ should have been able to attack Cat Adams like that. But because of what she did, I guess that’s just who I am now.” Silence. Reid shaking and Morgan unsure of what to say. “I don’t want to be like this, Morgan.” 

Morgan, as words continued to fail him, put his arm around Reid’s shoulder. Reid in turn leaned against him, allowing himself this one vulnerability. Morgan searched for something he could say, “you’re allowed to be angry. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. We’ve all had to make hard choices and nothing I can say is going to get rid of that, but know that you are not the worst things you’ve done. Okay?” 

“Thanks, Morgan,” Reid was both so much older and so much younger than he seemed. His mind and his burdens aged him, and yet he sounded like a kid as he spoke softly into Morgan’s shoulder. 

“Are we good to talk about girls now?” Morgan tried to lighten the mood, because while he was glad he had reassured Reid to some extent, he was here with a purpose. 

“Is that where you’re going with this?” Reid sat up, turning away to wipe his eyes. Morgan pretended not to notice. 

“Yeah, Reid. That’s where I’m going with this,” Morgan paused, still not totally confident on how he wanted to go about this. For all of his charisma, Morgan wasn’t sure how to talk to his friends about their feelings. “You dumped Max.” Reid said nothing. “Was it because you didn’t like her or… was it because the relationship was starting to get physical?” 

“I don’t know how you expect me to talk about this with you,” Reid mumbled. 

“Come on, kid. I’m not here asking you about your sex life- I just want to know if you felt safe around her. And if you didn’t, why?” Morgan continued to push. Morgan had no intention of letting Reid worm his way out of this just because it was a little awkward. 

“What do you mean, ‘felt safe around her’? Max- She isn’t exactly threatening-” 

“You and I both know I’m not concerned about her. I’m concerned about _you._ Did you feel safe with her? Would you feel comfortable telling her no if she crossed a line you weren’t ready for?” Morgan knew that it was a bit drastic to compare the several separate incidents Reid had suffered to the repeated and calculated abuse Morgan had gone through, but he also knew the kind of fear that came with being touched after intimacy became associated with violation. No matter how hard Reid tried to dismiss his own trauma on the basis that Morgan ‘had it worse’, Morgan would push back. He wouldn’t let Reid settle for physicality he didn’t want. 

Reid’s hesitation spoke for itself. “Maybe? I don’t know… it wasn’t like- I didn’t have a _reason_ for it, but it…” Reid stopped, biting his lip as he warred over sharing something he hadn’t even wanted to admit to himself. “I know what it was. I’m not going to deny that, and I know there are reports and studies that confirm that it wasn’t irrational or even uncommon but…” Reid sighed, taking a moment to bury his head in his hands before forcing himself to push on. “A woman I like kissing me shouldn’t trigger a panic attack.” 

A pause. Morgan wanting nothing more than to take that pain away from his friend. “So it’s that bad, kid?” 

“It’s that bad,” Reid agreed quietly. “And there isn’t a predictable pattern. Sometimes I’m fine, and then other times…” Reid trailed off. “I couldn’t lead Max on if I can’t even be kissed or- or go on a _date_ without feeling like something terrible is going to happen. I have no idea how she still wants to date me after what happened…” 

“Ever thought she might be feelings anxious too? That maybe you two could talk about this?” Morgan offered. 

“I can’t just talk my way out of this,” Reid shook his head. “It’s not _trust_ that’s the problem, it’s _me._ I know, rationally, that if I said no Max would stop. I know that I have no reason to think otherwise, but that doesn’t stop the fear.” 

“I know,” Morgan sighed. “You know this isn’t permanent, right?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“That fear? That irrational terror? It’s not a part of you. And trust me, I _know._ There was a time when all my relationships ended after the second date because I couldn’t deal with the idea of going any further. And then there was also a time when I was so desperate to remove that part of myself that I would jump the gun on the first date. Which usually sent the message that I didn’t care enough to even _have_ a second date. It was a bad cycle. One I don’t think I fully got over until Savannah.” 

“Great, so maybe in another decade I’ll be ready to settle down,” Reid said dryly. 

“No, because I didn’t have anyone to tell me I needed figure out what was healthy for me, instead of blindly trying to conquer my fear,” Morgan pointed out. “And you’re lucky enough to have me.” 

Reid exhaled a laugh. “I guess I am.” A pause. “I _know_ what a healthy relationship looks like. I know every sign of abuse and every sociological symptom of failed interpersonal communication. I’ve read - and written - more than a few papers about trauma. But _knowing_ doesn’t do anything.” 

“Yeah, Reid. Because relationships are about _feeling,_ not knowing. And so is trauma.” 

“But _knowing_ is the only thing I know how to do,” Reid sighed. 

“Alright, kid. Let’s see what you know, then. You _know_ you’re allowed to say no to things, right?” 

“Of course.” 

“Okay. Do you know what to do when you want to say yes?” 

Reid grew puzzled. “What do you mean?” 

“Sometimes you want things, but your trauma won’t let you, right? Even if you wanted Max to kiss you or whatever, sometimes you get panicked instead. What can you do to combat that?” 

“I… I can’t _do_ anything, I can’t control a panic attack-” 

“You know, for a genius you can still be really stupid sometimes,” Morgan teased. “I meant you should have _talked_ to her. That’s how you figure out what it is that triggers you. That’s how you figure out what you’re okay with. And, eventually, that’s how you get to a point where you can push past that anxiety. Maybe not fully, but enough that you aren’t held back from being with someone you love.” 

A moment of silence. Morgan happy to let Reid just think, Reid feeling a strange ache in his chest. “When did you get so wise, Morgan?” He said, only half kidding. 

“Once I left you knuckleheads at the BAU, I had the time to get smarter than you,” Morgan bumped shoulders with him. 

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re _smarter_ than me-” 

“Oh, shut up, kid. Let me win for once.” 

Another pause, Reid thinking over his words carefully. “I don’t think I’m ready. To talk to Max about… any of that. It was bad enough that…” Reid sighed. He just seemed so worn down. “That Cat Adams told her so much about me.” 

“Okay. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.” 

“It… It can’t be that simple,” Reid shook his head, slouching back in the sofa. “If it’s that simple then there isn’t a _solution._ ” 

“Yeah, there is,” Morgan kept a hand on Reid’s shoulder. “It’s to give yourself time. There’s nothing wrong with that. And if… if you want to try and make progress, talk to me. Talk to your friends. You know any one of the team would listen.” 

Reid stared off into space, his lip trembled, but he seemed committed to pushing that kind of vulnerability down. “One time, Max sat in my lap. That’s it. She just put her arms around my neck and sat in my lap. She might as well have pulled a gun on me it messed me up so bad. The panic was bad enough, but it also made me so angry. Like a _sick_ kind of anger. I was sick to my stomach, and disgusted and-and _helpless_. For no reason other than the fact that Cat Adams did the same thing to me. I _want_ to be close to Max, but how is that fair to her if I have to keep putting up walls? First it’s that- and then what, I tell her she can’t ever kiss me first? That she can’t touch my chest or hold my hand too tight because I’ll end up thinking about the women who assaulted me?” Reid, eager to cover the fact that his words were trembling, the fact that Morgan could probably feel that he was still shaking, turned to sarcasm. “Yeah, a list of rules- _that’s_ the foundation of a healthy relationship.” 

Morgan was one to reason his way through the emotional turmoil of his loved ones. To tell them that they are strong enough to get through things, but he knew it was rarely that simple. 

“I… I wish I could tell you that there was an easy away around this. But there isn’t. All I can tell you is talking to her is better than not talking to her,” Morgan said. A pause, dark notions creeping to the forefront of his mind. “The stuff you just listed, stuff you think triggers you… You haven’t told Max about any of this so… how long were you just ignoring it?” Reid said nothing. “Reid, come on, just tell me. Were you… were you just letting Max do that stuff and not letting her know that it upset you?” 

“Well, I was trying to get over it-” 

“ _Kid,_ ” Morgan said exasperatedly. “You- You shouldn’t do that shit! Especially if Max really cares about you. You do realize you are _letting_ her hurt you?” 

“Not anymore…” 

“No, because you dumped her instead of telling her she was triggering you. You think that’s healthy?” Morgan was at a loss for how to fix this _for_ Reid, and offering advice wasn’t exactly coming naturally to him. 

“She would give me space if she saw I was freaked out,” was Reid’s feeble defense. 

“Okay. Good. She’s doing her part. You’re not doing yours. You didn’t explain why. She doesn’t know what hurt you and I bet that doesn’t sit right with her either. This isn’t helping anyone, Reid,” Morgan said. “You know consent is about more than just not saying no.” 

“I know-” 

“Except I don’t think you do,” Morgan knew he was being harsh, but Reid was incredibly good at being avoidant. “You’re never going to get to where you want to be if you don’t tell your partner what you feel comfortable with. I’m sorry I’m being so sharp with you, it just-” Morgan sighed, trying to level his tone. “It scares me to think that you wouldn’t tell someone to stop. I know where teaching yourself to keep quiet leads and all it does is prolong your suffering.” He looked to Reid, trying to see if he was doing anything right. Reid just kept staring at the floor. “I don’t know how to explain this. I know it was different for you.” Morgan felt sick to his stomach. “That you never even had the chance to fight back or say no, because there was either a gun on you or you were drugged or…” Morgan paused, an anger he thought he had let go of returning. Morgan was a peacemaker at heart, but if he had the chance to kill the people who hurt his friend, he wouldn’t hesitate. “But I still know what that powerlessness is like. When you don’t have a choice. But you can’t let that experience carry over with the people you care about.” 

“I _know._ ” 

“Okay, fine, I’ll believe you on this one, but Reid, I need you to promise me that if you ever need help with this stuff you’ll call me. You ever get uncomfortable with Max or whoever and you don’t know what to do, don’t freeze up. Just call me,” Morgan didn’t know how he could make his friend reach out, how he could ensure Reid wouldn’t be passive when something upset him, but he did know he would be there the moment Reid needed help. 

“I’ll call you, Morgan. I promise,” Reid really seemed to mean it. 

Morgan, satisfied that he had made a difference to some extent, relaxed. Although now without a mission, he was once again overwhelmed by bitterness that Reid had suffered so much. 

“The world has screwed you over, Reid,” Morgan didn’t care if this was unproductive. He needed to be angry on his friend’s behalf. “You never got the chance to have a single goddamn healthy relationship. I don’t care if you don’t like being angry, you _deserve_ to be.” 

“Why, because every experience I’ve told you about has ended horribly? You think I should be angry over a little thing like that?” Reid said almost teasingly. A pause, Reid with half a smile returning. “Thanks, Morgan.” 

“For what?” 

“I don’t know,” Reid shrugged. “For caring. For getting mad on my behalf and trying to help me.” 

Morgan pushed him lightly, grateful that despite all of that bad, Reid was ready to know Morgan was there. “It’s not just me. I think the rest of the team would kill for you. No questions asked.” 

“That’s reassuring.” 

Another moment of peace, the two of them just staring at the other and feeling like a weight had left the room. “You’re gonna figure this stuff out. Alright, kid? This isn’t just for you to carry.” Morgan had to offer one more promise. The kind of promise he had needed when he was a kid, the kind of promise he knew he could give now. “And I’ll be here to help you.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing criminal minds characters so any feedback would be much appreciated!


End file.
